Be
self-sufficient.
Mike and I started dating when I was 21 and he was 27. He got invited to a lot of weddings because that's what people do in their late 20s, I guess. I would go with him, being sure to put on an air of casual-yet-classy fun, because I was his new, cool girlfriend. I was the one who laughed at the bouquet toss. I was willing to try exotic foods and meet new people. I didn't secretly take notes for The Most Important Special Day that Mike and I were bound to have very soon (because, let's face it, I was the casual-yet-classy woman of his freaking dreams) and we always had a wonderful time.
Over
the next 8 years, Mike stood up in 4 weddings while I made small talk
with wives, boyfriends, and awkward pre-teens. I held babies; I ran
errands for bridesmaids; I set up sing-in tables. By the time
our first anniversary rolled around, Mike and I had attended three
weddings together. We continued that average and, eight years later,
when our Big Day came, we had two dozen ceremonies under our
collective belt.
There
are some basic things you need to know before I get to the rules of
wedding attendance:
- Weddings are super expensive; even the simple ones.As a general rule, assume that several people are sharing the cost of seating, feeding, watering, entertaining, and transporting every single body that is expected in that ballroom/barn/forest clearing. There are ways to trim down the cost, but a wedding is still among the most expensive grown-up experiences.
- Adults completely forget how to act like adults at weddings.A lot of the stress that comes with planning a wedding is from finances, yes, but even more so from family and friends. A woman carefully crafts a website with pertinent information, and you call her for directions the day before the wedding. A man explains why children are not invited, and you bring your three kids. You're not perfect, and no one expects you to be, but do you have to be so effing inconsiderate? It's shocking.
- Someone else's wedding is not about you and your bullshit.Your ex is going to be there? Suck it up or don't go. Bummed that your friend is getting married before you? Stop being a self-centered asshole. Your marriage is horrible? That's your problem. Divorced and miserable? Leave it at the door. Single? It's not a race. Get it together, you guys, and stop acting like a buncha poo-flinging animals.
- Weddings stir up a lot of crap.Family dynamics; opinions about marriage equality; self-esteem issues; unspoken attraction between cousins; illegitimate children. It all gets laid out on the table, and it feels like everything has to be dealt with on a deadline. That is super intense. The important thing to remember is that it will pass and other things will come along to distract everyone.
Of course, every wedding is a special snowflake. Everyone has a
different idea of what marriage means. Your job is to be supportive
and let the couple know you'll be there for them when things are blah
blah blinky bladdy blah.
Alright. Are you ready for me to drop some knowledge? Here we go:
- Know who's invited.If your name is the only one on the envelope or e-vite, that means you are the one invited to the wedding. You may not bring your fuck buddy. You may not ask if you may bring your fuck buddy. You may not bring your husband, girlfriend, kids, work friends, or favorite Power Ranger. If you're not sure, assume the invitation is for one. Your fuck buddy will understand.
- RSVP. ASAP.This is not Game of Thrones at your buddy's place. You need to let your hosts know whether or not you will be there. Send your response the same day if you can swing it.
- Be flexible.Dance to music you don't like. Participate in strange, new traditions. If you don't particularly love chicken cordon bleu, don't be a dick about it. Keep your mouth shut and eat the chicken.
- Be prepared.You wanna have a good time, doncha? Bring an extra pair of comfy shoes for dancing. Book a baby-sitter that works late. Carry small bills for an open or cash bar. Pack some extra tampons in your purse -you'll be someone's hero by the end of the day.
- Don't drive drunk.Have a designated driver or taxi planned. Don't be selfish. The last thing this couple needs is to remember that time you died right after the most important day of their lives.
- Give the couple what they asked for, not what you think they should want.Purchase gifts from the registry or give cash. This is the one time when giving gifts is super simple, and they will not be considered impersonal. You know what? Just give cash.
- Write “or” on the check.This is important. When you write a check to “John and Jane Smith,” only that combination of people can cash or deposit that check. It's a giant pain in the ass.
- Wear your fancy pants.It's better to be overdressed than under. This is especially true at a wedding. If you show up in a tuxedo and everyone else has linen suits, you're still gonna look like a badass.
- Visit the couple's website.This is that self-sufficiency thing we talked about. Don't be a needy asshole. Check the website.
- Roll with the changes.No one goes by Mrs. His First Name His Last Name anymore. Sometime gay people get married. Couples don't move in together the day after their wedding. Receptions have sex pits now. You have to accept the passing of times, guys.
